What are we coming to when the ‘National Enquirer’ accurately reports Donald Trump’s speech promising reforms in his “first 100 days” in office? They even add, in giant print on the front page, “in his own words” – because they know how rare it is for anyone quoted in the ‘Enquirer’ to actually be quoted correctly.
Of course, the Trump-supporting rag can’t resist gloating, putting it all beneath the cover headline: “We Told You So!”
How long can it be before the New York Times is reporting on Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie’s divorce, or Prince Harry’s latest girlfriend? Oh wait — they’ve already done that.
But the ‘Enquirer’ can’t maintain its facade of accuracy for long, plunging headlong into a series of highly dubious fact-free zones. Princes Harry’s girlfriend, American actress Meghan Markle, is reportedly enduing a “Nude Photo Horror!” But it’s typical ‘Enquirer’ wishful thinking. Markle evidently told a humorous anecdote about skinny-dipping in a New Zealand lake one day in 2012, only to find that pranksters had stolen her clothes. “She’s panicked that the photos will be published,” raves the mag. Except there are no photos. Never were. There’s no suggestion that a single photo was snapped. No nude photo horror. No panic.
Actress Jennifer Garner is saving her troubled marriage to Ben Affleck by having a baby, reports the ‘Enquirer,’ for at least the second time this year. This is based on a photo that shows Garner is a loose-fitting shirt. Just like the photos of her six months ago in a loose sweater, when they also swore she was pregnant. This is one of those games where they will keep reporting she’s pregnant until one day she actually will be, and the ‘Enquirer’ will congratulate itself for always being right. “We were right Again, Again and Again!” the ‘Enquirer’ proclaims in this week’s issue, ignoring the times it was wrong about Ted Cruz’s father being involved in the assassination of John F Kennedy, or the Queen’s abdication, or actor Nick Nolte’s death — the ‘Enquirer’ gave him “four weeks to live” many months ago and — many, many other fantastical tales.
In a “custody bombshell,” the ‘Enquirer’ cover claims that “Brad’s secret tapes destroy crazy Angie!” The mag reports that Brad Pitt “has damaging tapes exposing her insane rages — and sick sexual kinks.” But these aren’t tapes of Angelina Jolie behaving badly. The tapes — if they even exist — are allegedly recordings of Pitt complaining, made by Pitt’s “lifelong confidante, celebrity psychic Ron Bard.” Even if Bard decided to breach the confidentiality agreement he undoubtedly signed, such tapes would prove nothing more than Brad making unsubstantiated allegations about Angie. It’s proof of nothing, and would have no effect on their custody battle.
Best of all is the “Enquirer World Exclusive” offering a “jailhouse confession” by prison inmate Gary Olivia, who was reportedly “once a key suspect” in the murder of infant pageant queen JonBenet Ramsey, But despite the headline’s suggestion, he’s not confessing to killing the six-year-old. He simply “confesses” to having “partied” with her ghost, building a shrine to JonBenet in his cell, and allegedly admits that he is a “deranged pervert obsessed with the death of a small child.” Why would the ‘Enquirer’ publish the ramblings of a self-confessed deranged pervert in the first place? Because they can.
‘The Globe’ claims that TV’s ‘Crocodile Hunter’ Steve Irwin “committed suicide,” according to a “chilling new autopsy report.” But the ‘Globe’ story goes on to admit that there is no new autopsy, only the original one performed a decade ago. And claims that he was suicidal because of neck pain are not made in the coroner’s report, but dubiously come from an unnamed “insider.” Presumably Irwin was killed by a stingray that had been paid large sums of squid to hurl its barb into Irwin’s chest, because stingrays are the hitmen of the ocean. Right.
“Skinny Angelina” has been warned: “Eat Now or Die!” according to the ‘Globe,’ which claims the actress has dropped to 76 pounds, while in the same issue reporting that Pitt’s first wife Jennifer Aniston “gains 50 lbs!” If Pitt’s estranged wife would only eat all his ex-wife’s meals, perhaps they could both be fit and happy. Mel Gibson also “packs on 50 lbs” and “goes from hunk to chunk” says the ‘Globe,’ whose reporters are routinely recruited from State Fairs, where they work in ‘Guess Your Weight’ booths.
“Oswald didn’t kill JFK!” screams the cover of the ‘National Examiner’ — which would put Ted Cruz’s father in the clear — claiming that it was a Castro hitman who killed the president. Presumably because Castro couldn’t pay a stingray enough to do the deed, due to the famous Cuban squid shortage of 1963.
Fortunately we have ‘Us’ magazine’s crack investigative team to tell us that Olivia Culpo wore it best, Christian Serratos carries a copy of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ lip balm and post-defecation fragrance “Poo-Pourri” in her Stella McCartney tote, and that the stars are just like us: they swim, they stretch before exercise, and “they hold onto their bags.” Yep, that’s the best caption they could come up with for a photo of Liev Schreiber “(wearing a Tiffany CT60 watch) headed to work in NYC Oct. 31.” Presumably because they rejected the caption: “The stars are just like us: They hate being photographed by strangers.”
Onwards and downwards . . .